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Excerpts
from RNC Guide to Dealing with Republican Delegates
During the Republican National Convention by Aaron Spiewak Hello! If you’re reading this, you’re probably girding yourself for the “invasion” of Manhattan by Republicans. Well, stop your worrying, silly bones! President George W. Bush himself promises this “invasion” will be nothing like the one he’s most famous for, and the Administration gives you their “Scout’s honor” that there will be no murdering of innocent civilians, placing American soldiers in harm’s way, torturing of prisoners, strafing of public services, or ignoring Presidential Daily Briefs concerning attacks inside the United States while we’re here. Been there, done that, know what we’re saying? We here at the RNC recognize that we are your guests, and will do our best to make sure that nothing horrible will befall you for the entire duration of the convention. With the President’s popularity in New York skyrocketing (nearly 36% of the state would vote for him if the election was held today!), you can count on the funds originally promised for the rebuilding of Manhattan being used for some awesome parties! And guess what? You’re invited, New York! Now we recognize that if you lived in New York during September 11, you may not take kindly to the Republican Party coming into town to dance on the graves of your family, friends and neighbors. But just remember: the Republican delegates are people just like you, but without a sense of humor! So here are some friendly tips for dealing with your fellow Americans while they visit you in your great city:
So if you’re a New Yorker and are not looking forward to our visit, then just think of it as a chance for the City to make money; that’s not carte blanche to mug us, you filthy Puerto Ricans! Hey, just kidding! We’re looking forward to celebrating our candidate, and the complete polarization of our country…with you! Aaron Spiewak lives in Manhattan. His work has appeared in Ducts, and onstage at the People's Improv Theater. He is currently working on a self-help manual for Republicans, tentatively titled "Who Moved My WMDs?" © 2004 Little Commie LLC About Email Message Board |