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A Fairly Uniformative Movie Review
or
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love a Press Screening

By Ben Gruber

During the screening of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers that I attended I was seated by a famous movie reviewer…let’s call him Geoffrey Tigers (the guy who seems to base his reviews on whether or not films are appropriate for three-year-olds). Man he made a lot of noise. He actually talked during the film. Plus he shuffled around a lot. He seemed like a nice guy besides that.

And now my review…did you love the first Lord of the Rings movie? If the answer is “yes!” then you’ll more than likely love The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers equally, or very possibly more. If you answered “no” then this film should make you want to take your own life.

Now, I loved the film, but I have a small note to J.R.R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson: I’m sorry, but if someone is named Wormtongue, I’m gonna know they’re evil. Throw in pale makeup and greasy jet-black hair and it just gives it all away. That said, Brad Dourif was great and creepy as always. If you haven’t had the chance, rent The Exorcist III. His performance is really amazing, and the movie is pretty good too (he also made a great Piter De Vries*).

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I got free popcorn!!!

*If you knew that the name "Piter De Vries" was from the book/movie Dune, and you are female, please call me.

Ben Gruber has written for such semi-embarrassing shows as Crank Yankers, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and various failed cable pilots (including his own). He has performed at some of New York City’s most prestigious comedy clubs, thanks mainly to Andy Secunda